Days gone

As days went by,

I’m getting stronger & stronger each day. (I’m getting used to it)

As compared to orphans who are abandon & have no idea who their parents are,  my life is considered much better.

At least I know who my folks are , how they look like, their personalities & how they lived their lives.

I was once born in a lively huge family before everything was collapsed.

 

I like my life now, I’m able to fee; confident with what I can do by myself .

If I don’t do it well, I practice again with confidence & I did perfectly fine.

 

Living by myself without anyone telling me & cursing me:

You can’t

You can never do well

You irritates me

Not happy then You get out

You are born to disrupt my life

You confirm fail, You won’t be successful in anything you do

You don’t take things seriously

Nobody can accept you, if there is, that person must be blind

You are living happily now, your life will not be good in future, you will have a bitter life

You kids will not treat you right

Your in laws will not love you

…

 

I was surrounded by such negativity.

I was never confident nor positive even tho I appear to be a loud & cheerful person

I always seems to be too bubbly & tough, because I got so used to protect my emotions by myself.

It has been a tough mental struggly btw Love & Hated.

I quit.

No more screaming at me, threathening me to leave.

If you love me the way I deserve, then I should love myself more.

And I did it

I have no idea, why I cant feel joy anymore ?

He told me “You just need time to adpat & accept”

If I accept my issues fully, I will be able to move on & be happy?

 

I felt both guilt & sad.

Yet there is nothing much I can do to improve the suituation.

I feel so helpless & I question myself what I’ve done to deserve these ?

I never asked much , I just seek for a simple, happy, trustworthy & united family.

 

 

I’ve called

Dialed 5times.

On 5th time, finally my call is answered.

I thought that by calling thru that 24hrs hotline & sharing my feelings, I will get helped.

But nope.

I can sense that after than 1hr conversation, she’s rushing me to end the cal. She felt that years ago issues that I shared does not help, but what’s current issues and actions are more impt.

If it does not help, why did I choose to tell you? I tell you because they all links to my current state.

Mental patients don’t go insane immediately. It can be accumulation of incidents that happened in the history and after some time that causes the patient to become ill.

Because they could not comprehend and digest all the incidents & emotions.

They are very troubled.

Given a choice, that’s not the life that they want either.

For myself, I’ve emotionally stressed for at least 9years. And I did not realised that my mental health was badly affected.

I can’t comprehend how I actually managed to survive thru these years & in fact did so well that I managed to land on my current job.

While struggling with emotions, kinship, relationship with boyfriend, work, friendship…. I find myself amazing that I’m a survival. I didn’t land myself into IMH.

I don’t want my guilt to consumes me. Neither do I want to make my life negative & feeling negative again. I’m just a simple girl who tries to live everyday right & to feel good about it.

I just don’t feel good.

And I’m sad.

What does Life means to you?

Yesterday, I had a male colleaage who feels that my life is quite dull because I will return back home from work just to cook dinner almost everyday.
So he dropped a comment by saying: “Wah, like that you no life liao leh!”

And my reply was :
Humm, what is life ?
Right now, I feel so happy & positive!
Able to learn & cook healthier dinner for the two of us to eat.
Being a loving partner to the partner who treat me well & love me the most.
Working for a job that I enjoy most !
Basically I’m having a great life !!!
And to me, that’s life!

Work – thoughts

I used to read news articles and believe all the information provided as what it says. Now, I would choose to think twice, before believing in anything that is presented to me.

I came upon an article this morning while I was on my way to work. The article was related to my work. And I’ve realized the article was one-sided. Not only that it brands the ‘person’ to be a victim, it portrays a negative image to our nation’s employability & pushes all the blame to gov. Economy plays a big part, which I agree.

But making yourself employable again, is your responsibility.

知己知彼百戰百勝 – Only you know yourself best & brand yourself to be attractive to employers.

And how much efforts one takes to prep for the job search. Making your resume presentable & professional, sending out more resumes and attending more interviews to brush up interview skill.

There are plenty of online tutorial videos & free workshops which you can attend to seek guidance on how to make your resume better, how to improve your interview skills and your career’s directions, how to upgrade your skills to make yourself adaptable to current employment trends.

But all these efforts has to start from yourself.

So, have you done your part?

Who’s fault to blame?

Fyi: I’m only referring to those who are mentally & physically fit.